


someone will love you

by luneist



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Break Up, Crying, Depression, Hurt, M/M, bipolar!seungmin, jeongin gets hurt a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2019-03-29 02:02:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13917024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luneist/pseuds/luneist
Summary: seungmin thinks jeongin's feelings aren't genuine and that he shouldn't let jeongin suffer any longer.





	someone will love you

seungmin thinks jeongin doesn't deserve all of his bullshit; all of his mood swings; all of his different states. jeongin refuses to blame seungmin, but if the younger wouldn't blame him, he would go ahead and put all of the blame on himself. 

seungmin was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in the middle of their relationship, and all he wanted to do was just vanish from the earth's surface and never come back. the doctor thinks it's a genetic trait, and his older brother was the evidence. since young, seungmin had been tolerating and taking care all of those mood swings and different states coming from his older brother. people often told him that he would eventually be diagnosed with the same disorder, but he didn't believe, until 6 months ago.

his heart broke when the news was spilled. he felt ostracised, persona non grata with the society, an outcast. oh, how much he wished that he was never diagnosed with the disorder. following the years of taking care of his bipolar brother gifted him with the knowledge. seungmin knew how an overly energetic and frenetic person is going to crash into a bout of deep depression; seungmin knows how no one wants that manic person back; seungmin knows everyone wants that frenetic, energetic and fearless mind which is the same mind that would sell off all their belongings and fly to london to start a new life; seungmin knows no one wants that manic mind that is as chaotic as the depressive mind.

jeongin wants that too, and seungmin knows. but this disorder isn't something seungmin can push out of his life, or something that jeongin can bring it away, lock it up in a prison cell and assure the older that it's never coming back to haunt his life. they had been together for 6 months when seungmin spilled the news to him. initially, there was this shock that washed over him, but he slowly adapted to it. those mood swings that seungmin had, the non-stop cycle of that frenetic and manic mind going back and forth. he witnessed how one moment seungmin appreciated all of him, was basically a little boy at heart running around the playground and the next moment seungmin locked himself up in a prison cell and threw the key away, not letting anyone approach him. all those led to seungmin pushing the younger away, thinking of all the feelings given weren't genuine and that jeongin probably told everyone the same thing.

being diagnosed with bipolar disorder made seungmin unable to accept and only reject his lover's feelings; unable to open up; unable to believe anything was genuine. he feared that the good people who seemed genuine were fake and hated how he couldn't accept real love. he could have been happy with his lover, but because of the fact that he couldn't find anything to be genuine blocked him. all that was in front of him was this wall that reached up to the sky, making it impossible to climb up and get to the brighter side.

despite seungmin's disorder, jeongin still loved him. no, he wasn't going to let his love and care for seungmin ebb away just because of the older's disorder. he knew that seungmin's feelings could ebb away, but he still wants to love and care for the older. people have told jeongin to leave, to prevent suffering from all the pain caused by his other half. he knows how hurt and unappreciated he will get; how all the feelings gradually decrease and don't feel like those in the beginnings in their relationship. whenever people told him to leave, he just defended seungmin.

_"if you truly love someone, you wouldn't leave."_

after the diagnose, seungmin had locked himself in that prison cell and jeongin only stood outside, watching him with concern. seungmin could see how much the younger frown; how worried the younger was; how much the younger wanted to help him. seungmin felt like a bad guy, a guy who took the younger's heart and just broke it, leaving all the shattered pieces behind and delivering no appreciation. 

seungmin knows how much jeongin loves him, he really does. he wants to reciprocate that love, wants to make sure everything jeongin gives him doesn't go to waste. but he can't. he knows all the feelings are only for him and are coming from the deepest part of jeongin's heart, but his mind doesn't make that trust appear in him and lets him jump to thinking that those feelings were fake. they seemed real, they seemed genuine but felt so fake. 

the relationship would eventually come to an end and hurt jeongin, seungmin knew. he could see how jeongin looked so alive when he got out of that bout of depression, away from the manic mind and back to his fearless mind. those days that he finally got a new key and passed it to jeongin over those bars, let him unlock it and free him from his depressive mind. they would go out to places, places like carnivals where they shared those cotton candy and cafés where seungmin loved to smear the whipped cream over the younger's face, ignoring the fact that they were in public. in the end, he would still end up making his own way back into that prison cell, even if jeongin pulled on that string that was attached to him, pleading silently for him not to go back. but he didn't have a choice. it was as if it was a repeating cycle, and it was an order to bring himself back to prison cell and let his mind turn manic and depressive, and let all the chaos come back.

the cycle went on for months and months, and all those times seungmin tried to get jeongin to leave him, telling him that he was going to suffer. those 6 months felt like pain to seungmin, and he knew jeongin's suffering was probably twice of him. the younger refused to leave until today, when he finally accepted what seungmin said.

_"i can't. please leave. someone will love you, and that someone won't be me because i'm incapable of doing so."_

seungmin's heart hurts when jeongin disappears from his sight after 6 months of happiness and another 6 months of suffering. he regrets letting jeongin go, regrets not picking up his calls, but he knows that he won't let jeongin suffer anymore. the younger just doesn't deserve all of this. seungmin just can't believe that anyone would ever really fall in love with him. 

**Author's Note:**

> im nt rly good at writing bipolar disorder sry hspdhweosep


End file.
